The messianic prophet Jesus Christ's long foretold return to Earth was ruined Saturday after his immaculately conceived holy embryo failed to implant itself in a Shoshone woman's uterus. Kimama Southfield, 27, was using an IUD for contraceptive purposes, which irritated the lining of her uterus and consequently sent the heavenly son of man back to his father, the eternal lord of Heaven and Earth.
Southfield, while briefly concerned by the tardiness of her period, was blissfully unaware of the Son of Man's aborted return to mankind. Having dismissed her encounter with divine messenger and spirit of truth Archangel Gabriel as a fevered dream hallucination, Southfield had no idea how close she came to bearing the only son of the one true God in her womb.
Disappointed by this tragic development, the almighty Father and progenitor of all lands and peoples tried to remain positive. "Jesus is a tough kid; he'll be all right," said the God of Israel. "Besides, I don't know if he was really looking forward to growing up as a poor Native American boy in Wyoming."
"Most people don't realize it," said the all-powerful Lord of all creation, "but we've been trying to send Jesus back to Earth for a while now. This isn't the first time that everyday mortal human activities have dramatically interfered with the most high God becoming incarnate in flesh and blood."
God, eternal judge and redeemer of the nations, initially avoided discussing specific instances for fear of embarrassing Jesus, but he eventually relented.
"To be honest, we've been trying to get Jesus born in the southern region of Africa for the past 50 years, but horrible prenatal care and AIDS have been giving us one hell of a time," said the infallible and immortal heavenly father before wincing and dropping a few denarii in his swear jar. "Apparently carrying the Son of Man in your womb doesn't guarantee you a good place in line for foreign aid deliveries."
The omnipresent King of all creation admitted that sometimes even circumstances outside of the mother and the divine gestation have screwed up the return of Christ. "Jesus was born in Romania at least once, but he starved to death in an orphanage before he could really get started. I think he was born as a little Chinese girl once too, but he got secretly shipped off to Europe," said the Lord of Hosts who created the world in seven days and led the armies of Israel to victory against all of their enemies. "Instead of doing what he came to do, Jesus lived for 27 years as a hairdresser in Prague; he couldn't really afford a trip back to China."
"And don't think we didn't try somewhere with better health care like America or Sweden. Jesus has been aborted 4 times in Chicago alone," said the God of Jehovah, also known as the king of kings and foundaiton of the cosmos. "If only I could just snap my fingers and somehow make certain that Jesus' arrival was unaffected by the simple mundane activities of individual humans."
"Oh well, I guess that's life," said God.
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