Crowded inner-city Washbrook High School celebrated the tenth anniversary of the No Child Left Behind Act Thursday afternoon in their school gymnasium. Festivities included two cheap cheese pizzas form a greasy local Domino's and a single purple hula hoop.
Principal Russell Stiffmuffin, dressed in dirty khakis and an ill-fitting wrinkled purple button-up, was quick to extol the virtues of the controversial education reform bill enacted in 2002.
"The standards and goals set by the bill have given us the push we desperately needed to pull ourselves up academically," Stiffmuffin said as he dodged a mass of screaming children looking for something to do in the tightly-packed gym. "Our funding has suffered a little bit but we're definitely motivated!"
The old gymnasium, smelling vaguely of urine and moldy chili, was packed nearly to the ceiling with what appeared to be a thousand shrieking, ostensibly celebrating children. "The fire marshals tend to look the other way most of the time," remarked Stiffmuffin, seemingly proud of the inhospitable and radically dangerous environment he was in charge of. "That's saved us a fortune on new classrooms."
"It helps that the kids tend to make their own games too; I like to think that the lack of school supplies and athletic equipment encourages creativity," said Stiffmuffin, deftly pulling apart a pair of vigorously biting sophomores before one poked the other in the eye with a broken ruler.
"In fact, I'm pretty sure our teachers work better without being weighed down by up-to-date textbooks or modern technology like printers," said Stiffmuffin. "Most of what they do is break up fights or clean up vomit anyway."
Washbrook High School has the worst record in the region for holding onto teachers, and many of the teachers who have stayed don't show up often or only come to hit on students. Only the latter type was in attendance at the anniversary celebration in the old musty gym.
"I would've brought a basketball from home for the kids, but the last one I brought caused 3 broken bones and a skull fracture within the first ten minutes," said Stiffmuffin. "Now I just leave all my things at home."
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