After a horribly long, sweaty and mutually painful ordeal, America finally pulled out of the Middle East, spilling white-hot democracy all over the tired and bruised Fertile Crescent.
America looked pleased with itself, leaning back and folding its arms triumphantly as it came all over the aching and weak region that it had pinned down. Liberally covered with a gooey veneer of sticky capitalism and shame, the diverse group of nations was thoroughly exhausted and "didn't feel very comfortable with itself anymore." It only added insult to horrible, horrible injury when Iraq was blinded by a stray shot of salty freedom.
The ordeal began years ago when America awkwardly yet brutally forced itself on the region, much like the creepy yet surprisingly stronger older man who refills your oil when your car breaks down on the side of the road and then ties you up in the back of his truck so he can take advantage of you.
The assault continued for years as America continued to slam the unprepared territory with its stiff rod of unrelenting justice.
While the region was said to be "dressed provocatively," "far from innocent," and "totally asking for it," many observers agreed that the assault was completely undeserved.
Once it had finished ejecting its payload all over the sore and helpless Middle East, America wiped itself off and turned to leave. Throwing one last smug grin towards the huddled mass of emotionally fragile Arabic nations, America roughly told the humiliated and defeated region to clean itself up.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Russell Brand Mistaken for Zombie (Bounce Magazine Vol. 12 Issue 2 December 2011)
Famous British actor Russell Brand, 36, was mistaken for a flesh-eating zombie while strolling through the streets of downtown London Tuesday evening. He was subsequently beaten with a variety of blunt objects in an effort to prevent him from causing people any harm.
Brand was walking out of a local Starbucks in the West End when a particularly paranoid British teenager pointed and screamed that the zombie uprising was beginning. The teen immediately took action, hitting Brand over the head with a large steel shovel from a nearby construction site and loudly insisting that Brand was the animated remains of a corpse with a hunger for human brains.
According to eyewitnesses, Brand dropped his macchiato and cursed.
Other youths in the area then rallied to support their friend, gathering cricket bats and billy-clubs with the intention of stopping Brand's allegedly murderous and mindless rampage. Bewildered onlookers didn't know whether to come to Brand's aid or to attempt to light the soulless corpse on fire.
"I'm glad that those responsible teenagers took it upon themselves to give that foul zombie a good what-for," commented one anonymous onlooker. "It's right scary to think what could've happened if he'd gotten loose."
When asked for comment Brand only said, "Bloody hell, get the fuck off of me.
"Piss off you fucking twats," he added.
Brand was walking out of a local Starbucks in the West End when a particularly paranoid British teenager pointed and screamed that the zombie uprising was beginning. The teen immediately took action, hitting Brand over the head with a large steel shovel from a nearby construction site and loudly insisting that Brand was the animated remains of a corpse with a hunger for human brains.
According to eyewitnesses, Brand dropped his macchiato and cursed.
Other youths in the area then rallied to support their friend, gathering cricket bats and billy-clubs with the intention of stopping Brand's allegedly murderous and mindless rampage. Bewildered onlookers didn't know whether to come to Brand's aid or to attempt to light the soulless corpse on fire.
"I'm glad that those responsible teenagers took it upon themselves to give that foul zombie a good what-for," commented one anonymous onlooker. "It's right scary to think what could've happened if he'd gotten loose."
When asked for comment Brand only said, "Bloody hell, get the fuck off of me.
"Piss off you fucking twats," he added.
Harold Camping Suffers Existential Crisis (Bounce Magazine Vol. 12 Issue 2 December 2011)
Harold Camping, 90-year-old radio broadcaster and predictor of the apocalypse, recently made another announcement on his radio show declaring that the rapture of our souls from our bodily vessels and subsequent catastrophic end of times will occur on December 21, 2012.
Camping appeared totally shocked when informed that his most recent prediction happens to be identical to the date supposedly predicted by the ancient Mayan calendar.
Veteran of at least two apocalyptic predictions already, Camping has seemed out-of-sorts ever since his botched attempt at predicting Jesus' second coming this last May.
"He used to put so much joy and enthusiasm into telling people the world was ending," said a close friend of Camping who wished to remain anonymous. "He was really passionate about making people panic. Now he barely ever picks up his annotated copy of the book of Job. Just once I want to see him write down every letter again and start putting words together Scrabble-style," she said wistfully, raising her voice a little. "It just pains me to see his slide-rule and abacus go unused for so long."
Out-of-sorts or not, Camping has refused to accept that he might have just stolen this prediction from the Mayans.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Camping said. "I've reevaluated my figures from May and they all point to 2012!" When pressed about the figures, Camping quickly explained that he had forgotten to count the 'P's in the book of Malachi. "P's are a symbol for the ephemeral power of the trinity in the Bible, so you can see how that might've thrown off my calculations," Camping stammered. "Also, in Ancient Israel they--uh--counted differently, so the days of the week--oh just screw it," Camping sighed dejectedly.
"I don't even know what I'm doing now. I'm not even sure if telling people the world is ending is the right to do," said Camping in a rare moment of weakness and sincerity. "My heart just isn't in it anymore."
Camping appeared totally shocked when informed that his most recent prediction happens to be identical to the date supposedly predicted by the ancient Mayan calendar.
Veteran of at least two apocalyptic predictions already, Camping has seemed out-of-sorts ever since his botched attempt at predicting Jesus' second coming this last May.
"He used to put so much joy and enthusiasm into telling people the world was ending," said a close friend of Camping who wished to remain anonymous. "He was really passionate about making people panic. Now he barely ever picks up his annotated copy of the book of Job. Just once I want to see him write down every letter again and start putting words together Scrabble-style," she said wistfully, raising her voice a little. "It just pains me to see his slide-rule and abacus go unused for so long."
Out-of-sorts or not, Camping has refused to accept that he might have just stolen this prediction from the Mayans.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Camping said. "I've reevaluated my figures from May and they all point to 2012!" When pressed about the figures, Camping quickly explained that he had forgotten to count the 'P's in the book of Malachi. "P's are a symbol for the ephemeral power of the trinity in the Bible, so you can see how that might've thrown off my calculations," Camping stammered. "Also, in Ancient Israel they--uh--counted differently, so the days of the week--oh just screw it," Camping sighed dejectedly.
"I don't even know what I'm doing now. I'm not even sure if telling people the world is ending is the right to do," said Camping in a rare moment of weakness and sincerity. "My heart just isn't in it anymore."
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