After being introduced to the region by a visiting ambassador, a particularly virulent strain of chlamydia has spread like wildfire through Washington D.C., infecting citizens and public officials from all levels of government.
In just two short weeks, the disease has rampaged through the city like a whirlwind of genital tenderness and rectal discharge. Two members of the tobacco lobby and a senator from Georgia were among the first to be officially diagnosed after they reported a burning sensation while urinating, but the sexually-transmitted disease has ventured on to make the seat of our national government its bitch.
Every area of the city has been affected by the outbreak in some way. According to the last official report, not only have many citizens been infected, but 76% of the Senate, 3 Supreme Court justices, several members of the White House Staff, and 99.8% of the House of Representatives has been infected by the disease. It should be noted that Speaker of the House Rep. John Boehner is still awaiting his test results.
Many infected officials are opting to stay home from work, citing penal discharge and testicular tenderness. This, coupled with a recent presidential announcement about the epidemic, has effectively shut down Washington D.C.
President Barack Obama recommended in his announcement that everyone remain calm and seek out antibiotics. He emphasized that normalcy will return shortly and that chlamydia is a totally curable disease.
The President closed the announcement by advising officials and lobbyists to "keep it in their pants."
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