After several years of slowly putting limits on the extent and duration of the Halloween celebration on Franklin St., the Chapel Hill Police Department has decided to up the ante in order to restrain the festivities and ensure civilian safety.
Charles Pickem, spokesman for the Chapel Hill Police Department, outlined the new security measures at a press conference on Wednesday, taking pains to emphasize that they are all in place "for our own good." The item on the agenda that received the most feedback was the plan to limit all Halloween festivities to the section of Franklin Street between Pita Pit and the Varsity Theater bus stop.
"First of all, I would just like to say that the Pita Pit is a fantastic corporation run by fantastic people, and a more than perfect location for a small group of teens to meet and have nice, safe, family-friendly fun," Pickem explained, eagerly extolling the virtues of the ambiguously ethnic eating establishment. "Ah ah ah, no buts," Pickem quickly retorted after a member of the audience questioned the feasibility of the plan.
"What's more, I want all of you in bed by 8:30 sharp," Pickem added harshly. "You have school in the morning, for crying out loud."
Deliberately ignoring the numerous groans and eye-rolls, Pickem went on to describe the rest of the restrictions in detail, including a strict no-tolerance policy concerning visitors from out of town. "They're loud, they always bring their trouble-maker friends, and I frankly just don't trust them."
It is unclear exactly what prompted this unprecedented increase in Halloween limitations, but UNC students appear uniformly displeased. "Quit babying me," one whiny student exclaimed, "I can make my own decisions!"
Pickem only shook his head and sighed. "This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you," he intoned convincingly. "But cheer up," he added brightly, "if you get all your homework done beforehand then maybe we'll drop by Cold Stone on the way home!"
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