Hollywood put a freeze on all film production yesterday
after an emergency meeting between all of the major studio executives produced
nothing but tears and a drunken night of commiserating.
The executives were meeting to discuss what insiders have
been calling “a decade devoid of a single new idea.” They mourned the sad state of their industry
and eventually decided that what Hollywood needs is a break to recover from the
concentrated creative meltdown that has brought filmmakers to their knees,
begging for a single original thought on which to base a trilogy.
None of the executives gave any hint as to how long the
shutdown would last, but one executive seemed to think the freeze was unnecessary. “Hollywood is FULL of fresh ideas!” he slurred
emphatically. “And talent! And err…ORIGINALITY!”
He giggled, drooling all over his bowtie.
“We’ll reboot the WHOLE GODDAMN PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN
FRANCHISE!”
The few executives still
nearby covered their faces with their briefcases and hurriedly got into their
limos. “Yeah, that’s what we’ll do!
We’ll remake it all! We’ll get Tobey Maguire, and Gene fucking Wilder,” He
screamed at the sky, waving his umbrella around like a pirate’s cutlass. ”Yeah,
THAT’S what people want to see!”
It is unclear exactly what this untimely production freeze means
for the millions of people whose livelihoods depend on the film industry, but
all of the sober studio executives were confident that this was only option. One executive was interviewed at a local
Burger King after the meeting. “I knew it had to happen as soon as I started
getting movie ideas from my son’s toy box.
That was rock bottom."
He paused to briefly cry into his shitty
strawberry milkshake. “ I know it’ll be tough for a lot of people, but it’s our
only option. To keep making movies right
now would be to put America through incredible amounts of bland and uninspired
torture, and I don’t want to see our movie-viewing public suffer any more than
it already has.”
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