Edgar Burrman, 15, saved his eternal soul from hellfire and damnation Tuesday night when he "shared" an ominous Facebook status about headless little girls and steak cleavers at midnight.
"It was a little hard to believe at first," Burrman said. "I thought it was just a story, and I'd almost gotten bored and moved on when it started saying in all caps that I couldn't stop reading -- almost like it was there in the room with me -- watching me.
"Spooky, but peaceful at the same time," he said. "Thank God I kept reading; who knows how long I would've selfishly wandered through Facebook without any concern for the health of my spirit?"
The divinely inspired status threatened an anguished life of torment in Hell if it were not passed on, and Burrman decided it would be haughty to pass up such an excellent opportunity to absolve himself of his grievous bodily sins.
"The actual status said 'EMAIL THIS STORY TO 10 FRIENDS,' but I just attributed that to an outdated translation," he said. "With sacred texts like that, you've got to remember they've been around for a long time."
Burrman said he felt incredibly blessed to have encountered the good news so randomly. "What if I had gone to bed hours earlier, like my mom wanted me to? I really owe my salvation to George Takei -- if I hadn't been on his page right then, and if Joseph Cowell hadn't posted just before I got there -- it's terrifying to think how close I came to missing it."
The status promised Burrman an eternity of grace and happiness in the afterlife, as well as a kiss with his crush the following Tuesday. Burrman said he felt like he'd been born again. "I have so much to look forward to now!"
Burrman said his new mission is to spread the word to everyone he can. At press time, many of his peers had already passed on the status, and a vehement debate concerning the interpretation of the text was underway on Burrman's wall.
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