Mike Tyson, grizzled boxer and veteran of a thousand and one punches in the head, made an appearance at a benefit for Breast Cancer research Friday, professing throughout the 4-hour course of the event his belief in the cause and the redemptive power of justice.
Tyson, who exists in a perpetual state of concussion, arrived at the convention center dressed for a title match and spent most of the event wandering between the stage and the little table in the corner with the shrimp cocktail, questioning those he ran into about their right to an attorney.
The man known throughout the world for biting a man's ear off 15 years ago was seen earlier in the evening mumbling to himself about DNA evidence, or bears maybe. The diaper-changing tables in both of the convention center's bathrooms were found out in the parking lot later that night, bent into a crude approximation of a hexagon and sheltering a dead cat.
Evidence suggests that Tyson, finding himself without chalk, had chosen to outline the expired feline's corpse with baby powder, leaving a trail of it around the perimeter of the lot.
A desperate tweet from his handler earlier in the day said that Tyson had gone missing, and was likely to be late for his weekly dentist appointment. He believed the former undisputed heavyweight champion may have wandered off in search of a chili dog, and he asked that whoever might find him would kindly point him toward home and avoid causing undue stress to his jaw and/or brain pan.
He also recommended steering away from any discussion relating to breakfast or criminal prosecution.
Tyson, for his part, was firm in his support of the fundraiser, which he seemed to believe was some kind of "center for AIDS tiger rehabilation [sic]," or possibly a Bar Mitzvah.
"They got any pig in a blanket left?" Tyson asked, not so much dodging questions about his concern for breast cancer as stumbling blindly by them completely unfazed, mumbling something about hepatitis and leading the witness.
For the most part Tyson was ignored, but there came a tense moment when he stopped on stage and demanded the speaker spit up what she knew about eggs and a homicide. However, he might also have been talking about Iron Man.
The contention passed after Tyson seemed to lose his already tragically undermanned train of thought. He grew quiet and then wandered down the hall to pee in the water fountain.
As the slightly perturbed guests filed out of the building at the end of the night, Tyson was observed power-walking toward the dumpster at the back of the building, muttering something about Ice T and CSI.
"Fingerprints and semen stains," Tyson lisped quizzically as he loped away.
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