After a long talk with his mother Tuesday about the facts of sex and childbirth, the world is starting to make a lot more sense to local 6th grader Tyler Statson, sources say.
After 10 years of being fed "some bologna about birds," Statson said he was overjoyed to finally find some conclusive answers.
"It never really added up right," he said. "I mean, babies are pretty fragile, so I don't even know how the whole bird thing would work without something really bad happening."
Statson said he'd known the stork story was nonsense for years, but he hadn't been able to puzzle anything out, and his parents had been conspicuously tight-lipped on the subject.
"Aunt Lucy helped a little, but without more clues the whole baby in her belly thing just made everything weirder," Statson said. "I still wondered how the baby got in there, so I tried to make the bird story fit too, but that was a dead end."
Statson said he understood why his parents were uncomfortable, but he really wished they'd had the stomach to tell him earlier.
"I guess it's kind of weird," he said. "It's like you've got all the pieces right here, you just put this in there, do this, touch that, and then set the time for 9 months and you've got a baby.
"It makes a whole heck of a lot more sense than birds," he added, still angry. "That story was scary. I mean, if birds can bring you babies, then what other kind of weird stuff goes on I don't know about? And how do I know the birds won't just show up one day and give me one? They're birds, it's not like they know any better."
Statson said he felt a lot more confident and secure knowing that no baby would appear until he used his tools to make one.
"I'd always hoped the world was a little more logical than that crap about the birds. Actually I feel sort of like an idiot now, he said. "Do you know how many kids in first grade I told about storks and how they put the baby in my aunt's stomach? They must all think I was stupid. And what if they already knew? They were probably all making fun of me behind my back."
Resolving the mystery of childbirth has only left Statson eager to get more concrete answers for once.
"Next I gotta figure out that whole Santa thing," he said. "Maybe science class will start making sense again if I find out what they haven't been telling me."
"God, being little sucks," Statson sighed. "I wish people would just be straight with me. But I guess there's always Wikipedia."
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