Suddenly there I am, in a middle school science classroom, being taught Spanish by maternal Colombian Gloria from ABC's acclaimed TV series Modern Family. But Gloria isn't being herself—instead she's being Jane Lynch's dictatorial cheerleading coach from Glee. Did I mention the rest of the classroom is populated by various members of my extended family?
Now we are outside. Cruel Gloria Lynch with her overdone Colombian accent takes half of my familial classmates to another field and begins to lead several oddly Minute-To-Win-It-esque games involving balloons and maybe marshmallows. I'm not sure how that teaches them Spanish, but I'm too busy being internally conflicted and confused about how to relate to my classmates on an academic level to worry about that, because for one reason or another my classmates all appear to be small children in need of assistance.
Gloria Lynch begins cursing in incomprehensible Spanish, unceremoniously awaking me from my overthinking. I'm watching from a distance, but she seems to be making inappropriate sexual advances at several students/kids/relatives of mine, including graphic descriptions and farm animals in her verbal assaults. A slew of distinct but concurrent protective instincts speak up in my brain, stirring me to action.
But then we are walking back to the classroom. I'm speaking to a reasonable, Spanish-speaking friend from high school, but I have no idea who he was or if he ever existed. We agree that something must be done about Gloria Lynch's oppressively totalitarian and wholly inappropriate teaching style.
Back in class, my mild-mannered older brother Stephen steps up to Gloria Lynch at the front of the class. He reasonably and politely stakes his claim, gently informing Gloria Lynch that she probably needs to relax and not be so aggressive or overly sexual with us. She slaps him. Then she backhands him hard, a wicked grin of smug satisfaction spreading over her face.
I wake up, curious about why my subconscious is directing so much violence towards Stephen and concerned about the frequency with which Gloria plays commanding authoritarian roles in my dreams.
I should probably watch less TV.
M. Dickson - Cyberspace
http://www.blotterrag.com/2013-02.pdf
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