Chapel Hill Police Limit Halloween (Bounce Magazine Vol. 12 Issue 1 October 2011)

After several years of slowly putting limits on the extent and duration of the Halloween celebration on Franklin St., the Chapel Hill Police Department has decided to up the ante in order to restrain the festivities and ensure civilian safety.

Charles Pickem, spokesman for the Chapel Hill Police Department, outlined the new security measures at a press conference on Wednesday, taking pains to emphasize that they are all in place "for our own good." The item on the agenda that received the most feedback was the plan to limit all Halloween festivities to the section of Franklin Street between Pita Pit and the Varsity Theater bus stop.

"First of all, I would just like to say that the Pita Pit is a fantastic corporation run by fantastic people, and a more than perfect location for a small group of teens to meet and have nice, safe, family-friendly fun," Pickem explained, eagerly extolling the virtues of the ambiguously ethnic eating establishment. "Ah ah ah, no buts," Pickem quickly retorted after a member of the audience questioned the feasibility of the plan.

"What's more, I want all of you in bed by 8:30 sharp," Pickem added harshly. "You have school in the morning, for crying out loud."

Deliberately ignoring the numerous groans and eye-rolls, Pickem went on to describe the rest of the restrictions in detail, including a strict no-tolerance policy concerning visitors from out of town. "They're loud, they always bring their trouble-maker friends, and I frankly just don't trust them."

It is unclear exactly what prompted this unprecedented increase in Halloween limitations, but UNC students appear uniformly displeased. "Quit babying me," one whiny student exclaimed, "I can make my own decisions!"

Pickem only shook his head and sighed. "This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you," he intoned convincingly. "But cheer up," he added brightly, "if you get all your homework done beforehand then maybe we'll drop by Cold Stone on the way home!"

Hollywood Out of New Material, Shuts Down (Bounce Magazine Vol. 12 Issue 1 October 2011)

Hollywood put a freeze on all film production yesterday after an emergency meeting between all of the major studio executives produced nothing but tears and a drunken night of commiserating. 

The executives were meeting to discuss what insiders have been calling “a decade devoid of a single new idea.”  They mourned the sad state of their industry and eventually decided that what Hollywood needs is a break to recover from the concentrated creative meltdown that has brought filmmakers to their knees, begging for a single original thought on which to base a trilogy. 

None of the executives gave any hint as to how long the shutdown would last, but one executive seemed to think the freeze was unnecessary.  “Hollywood is FULL of fresh ideas!” he slurred emphatically.  “And talent! And err…ORIGINALITY!” He giggled, drooling all over his bowtie.  “We’ll reboot the WHOLE GODDAMN PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN FRANCHISE!”  

The few executives still nearby covered their faces with their briefcases and hurriedly got into their limos.  “Yeah, that’s what we’ll do! We’ll remake it all! We’ll get Tobey Maguire, and Gene fucking Wilder,” He screamed at the sky, waving his umbrella around like a pirate’s cutlass. ”Yeah, THAT’S what people want to see!”

It is unclear exactly what this untimely production freeze means for the millions of people whose livelihoods depend on the film industry, but all of the sober studio executives were confident that this was only option.  One executive was interviewed at a local Burger King after the meeting. “I knew it had to happen as soon as I started getting movie ideas from my son’s toy box.  That was rock bottom." 

He paused to briefly cry into his shitty strawberry milkshake. “ I know it’ll be tough for a lot of people, but it’s our only option.  To keep making movies right now would be to put America through incredible amounts of bland and uninspired torture, and I don’t want to see our movie-viewing public suffer any more than it already has.”